So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
