is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
