Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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