I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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