I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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