The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
