I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Randomize