Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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