Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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