You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
