Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize