Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
