You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
