Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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