Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
