this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
