The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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