i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
