I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
