I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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