I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
