i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
