She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
dude i'm inner monologue high
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
