I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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