Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
