considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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