I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
