I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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