Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
