Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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