So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
