put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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