I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
