Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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