first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
