1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
