i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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