only if we run a train.
done.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize