I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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