What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
