I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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