Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
