in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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