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I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
