I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
