my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
