I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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