I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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