He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you win again, gameday.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
