4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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