you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
