dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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