I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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