Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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