4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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