i need an iv and a liver transplant
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
