I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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