She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
